A common myth in abusive relationships is that they are codependent – codependency is a label that refers to people who are chemically dependent on substances such as alcohol and narcotics – so that when they try to quit they suffer traumatic physical symptoms.
Applying that label to human relationships is very misleading. If you feel “addicted” to your partner, you are probably feeling the confusing effects of his inconsistent on again/off again behavior. This is called intermittent reinforcement and is intended to keep you off balance. Gaslighting is another way to keep you off balance – making you doubt yourself and question your sanity.
This irrational behavior is confusing and can keep you stuck in a mental loop. That is where the problem lies – in the abuser’s behavior. The fact is, many women stay in spite of this behavior, not because of it. They suffer a loss of confidence that makes them worry about whether they can survive without their abusive partner
It is important to understand what codependency really is and that it has nothing to do with staying in an abusive relationship. This line of thinking blames the victim and makes her question herself – making it even more difficult to move through the mental fog and leave.
Being clear on the terms codependency and gaslighting can be extremely helpful in identifying what is really going on. Then the responsibility rests on the abuser and not the victim.
The happiness revolution is designed to keep us so focused on trying to be happy that we are distracted from what is really going on. We are not designed to be “happy” beings – that is a scientific fact – happiness is not our natural state as human beings.
We need our critical thinking and discernment skills in order to protect ourselves. Our anxiety and depression are not guiding us to get happy; rather they are informing us of what is not balanced in our lives and how far we have strayed from our authentic selves – our inner centered awareness.
If we are caught in some fake happy la la land – then we will not see how we are being taken advantage of -how we are being misled -how our sovereignty is being pulled out from under us.
In addition, chasing this impossible paradigm of happiness distracts us and devalues us – we think we are doing something wrong when we are not able to be happy. When we are sad and frustrated, we are guilt tripped into focusing on being grateful for what we have – again, that is not the point. It is not that we are ungrateful, but rather that things are not in alignment with who we truly are – that we on the outside are not in alignment with our inner authenticity. Gratitude is not going to “fix” that.
Sitting with ourselves and really opening up to what our anxiety/depression, etc. are trying to tell us is the way. To be with the unpleasant feelings – they are our teachers.